Tonight was our second meeting in a row dealing with the mother of all underlying causes of anxiety and depression: shame. If, when you drop your bucket of awareness into that deep, dark well called "Self," what is it that you draw up to the surface? If it's not cool and clear and fresh, but rather green and thick and slimy, then it's probably shame. If that's what's down there, and so much of it, then why? What is it you're so ashamed of? Odds are, it's something from your distant past. But it's right here, with us, underneath, in us through and through. Our shame is often so ingrained, that it's hard for us to separate it from the fabric of us. But why is something so old and out-of-date still so present in our lives? More on our "usness" later. Who we are, really, definitely, positively, unquestionably, is a question that needs to be answered if we're to separate the "us" from the useless trash. Because it is not we who are worthless, it is only our shame. The American Heritage Dictionary gives us a psychological definition of shame as, "A pervasive, negative emotional state, usually originating in childhood, marked by chronic self-reproach and a sense of personal failure." Does that sound about right? Do you reproach yourself for being a failure, regardless of all your personal successes? Psychological shame is indeed pervasive; it doesn't fade over time. Not unless we confront it.
There's a more general definition given as well: "A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy." Do you feel disgraced as a human being? Do you feel ignominious? "Ignominy" is "great personal dishonor or humiliation." Have you been dishonored? If so, how do you know? Who told you your honor was in question? Who told you you aught to be ashamed of yourself? Was it someone you trusted? Someone you loved? Or did you figure it out all by yourself? Was it words you heard or was it actions that taught you these big lies? Everyone feels humiliated from time to time, and we usually have something to do with it. But feeling pervasively, chronically humiliated, that's not something we stepped into. That's someone stepping on us.
Another definition of "ignominy" is, "Public contempt." Now we're getting somewhere! Our group members who deal with lots of shame all talk about feeling judged by the public, of constant humiliation. But it's not just the public. They also feel judgment and contempt coming from their friends, family, and intimate partners. Yet they admit that mostly these are imagined persecutions. How else to describe these imaginings as remnants of corrupt, nonsensical teachings from our most powerful historical teachers. The ones closest to us when we were most vulnerable.
You may have heard of Brené Brown, the social worker turned researcher/storyteller whose books and TED Talks have made her the Queen of Vulnerability (a strange and dangerous land, where our courage is tested). Her career focus has most recently been on shame; what it is, who has it, how we get it, how to confront it. She discovered that people with a strong sense of love and connection have one thing in common: they feel they are worthy of love and connection. She reminds me of Carl Jung when she talks about the necessity of letting go of who we think we should to be in order to become who we are.
Another definition of "ignominy" is, "Public contempt." Now we're getting somewhere! Our group members who deal with lots of shame all talk about feeling judged by the public, of constant humiliation. But it's not just the public. They also feel judgment and contempt coming from their friends, family, and intimate partners. Yet they admit that mostly these are imagined persecutions. How else to describe these imaginings as remnants of corrupt, nonsensical teachings from our most powerful historical teachers. The ones closest to us when we were most vulnerable.
You may have heard of Brené Brown, the social worker turned researcher/storyteller whose books and TED Talks have made her the Queen of Vulnerability (a strange and dangerous land, where our courage is tested). Her career focus has most recently been on shame; what it is, who has it, how we get it, how to confront it. She discovered that people with a strong sense of love and connection have one thing in common: they feel they are worthy of love and connection. She reminds me of Carl Jung when she talks about the necessity of letting go of who we think we should to be in order to become who we are.
Click on her picture to hear her first TED Talk, in which she discusses her research findings on shame and vulnerability. This speech catapulted her into the public eye and allowed her message of change to get out among all of us wanderers on our emotional journey toward that mythical city called Wholeness. In this talk, she discusses her discoveries about the differences between people who feel good about themselves and their relationships and those who feel bad. She talks about her resultant breakdown, her experiences in therapy, and her return to the land where she again felt she belongs. Take a moment to listen to her discussion and see where you see yourself in her map of the human condition. You will hear her describe vulnerability as the antidote for shame. Most of us were taught that vulnerability is weakness, but she sees it as just the opposite. She says that, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they’re never weakness."
You many think that giving a speech to a 500 people at the University of Houston about your life's work, your life's journey, your emotional struggles, and your message to the world would be a pretty big deal. Well, after it was seen online by 4 million people, it was. But the bigness of the deal turned out to be even bigger than she could have imagined. She likens this first talk to leaving an embarrassing message on your ex-boyfriend's voice mail while drunk. And the panic that ensued spawned another talk. The new talk was about how big of a fraud she felt like after presenting herself as someone who has all this figured out. The godmother of vulnerability felt like a hypocrite. As with any journey, it's not the straight parts that mean much, it's the crossroads. In this, her second TED Talk, she shares what it took to confront her new identity and embrace the vulnerability she famously espouses.
Hearing great storytellers and teachers tell us of their own experiences with the pitfalls of life can be enlightening. After all, all our lives must honestly be described as "Life after family influence." But it's only when we tell our own story and put our selves out there for all to see that true healing can proceed. That's what group therapy is all about. The vulnerability that we entrust with each other, week after week, gradually seeps down to that shameful bedrock and begins to dissolve it. We may not notice the diminishing of that ancient limestone layer, as it softens over time under the steady drip, drip, drip of our gentle persistence, but it is happening.
If you think checking out Dr. Brown's other work will help you, then please check it out. You can listen to her audio book, The Power of Vulnerability, by clicking on this picture. If you think coming back to group will help you, then please come back. In future get-togethers, we'll continue to create a safe place to be our real selves. Little by little, we'll strengthen each of our "usnesses" and gradually escort our false selves out the door. If you're worried that these things are too hard or won't help, then please do them anyway. And do anything else that gets you in touch with that vulnerability we've been so misled into believing is our weak side showing. Let that vulnerability still left inside you, after all you've been through, guide you to a hopeful place on your journey's path, just there at the crossroads.
If you think checking out Dr. Brown's other work will help you, then please check it out. You can listen to her audio book, The Power of Vulnerability, by clicking on this picture. If you think coming back to group will help you, then please come back. In future get-togethers, we'll continue to create a safe place to be our real selves. Little by little, we'll strengthen each of our "usnesses" and gradually escort our false selves out the door. If you're worried that these things are too hard or won't help, then please do them anyway. And do anything else that gets you in touch with that vulnerability we've been so misled into believing is our weak side showing. Let that vulnerability still left inside you, after all you've been through, guide you to a hopeful place on your journey's path, just there at the crossroads.
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