We all want to feel better, do better, get better, be better. We talked about achievement tonight. Working hard in school, or partying hard; getting through, getting ahead, getting by. Working to live, living to work. We followed up last week’s discussion of impostor syndrome by talking about the anxiety that comes from being in our own skin. And from being compared to others. What is our role at school, at work, in our family, in our group? Where do these roles come from? Who handed them to us? Did we choose to be the way we are? Can we chose a different way?
We talked about terrible ordeals. You can call them traumas, or misfortune, or fate, or bad luck, or karma, or demonstrations of the unfairness of life. You can call these painful, devastating events lots of things or you can just listen to them. We listened to each other tonight. It was the most important thing we did. Sure, we offered words of encouragement, words of support, even advice. But it was our listening, our just being present and holding each other’s stories for a time, that counted most.
How often do we get the chance to be listened to? Even if we don’t feel like talking, even if we’re listening to the silence we find ourselves in. If this is how we can get better, feel better, do better, be better, then why have we been bothering with all the other stuff, all the talk, up to now? Anyone can listen. You don’t even have to know what you’re listening for. The power of your silence is proof that you’re just here to be an accepting ear. Words aren't necessary. Being together is what we need.
The opposite of listening can take many forms. When I was in a period of great transition in my life, I listened to a song by Keane at least once a week. It's all about ambition and regret. It’s a bouncy song; you could dance to it if you were in the mood. A lively, zesty dance. Unless you listened to the lyrics. They’re very sad. They’re about someone who listens to the wrong things. All those toxic messages that can lead us astray. This song made me cry every time I heard it. But I kept listening.
We talked about terrible ordeals. You can call them traumas, or misfortune, or fate, or bad luck, or karma, or demonstrations of the unfairness of life. You can call these painful, devastating events lots of things or you can just listen to them. We listened to each other tonight. It was the most important thing we did. Sure, we offered words of encouragement, words of support, even advice. But it was our listening, our just being present and holding each other’s stories for a time, that counted most.
How often do we get the chance to be listened to? Even if we don’t feel like talking, even if we’re listening to the silence we find ourselves in. If this is how we can get better, feel better, do better, be better, then why have we been bothering with all the other stuff, all the talk, up to now? Anyone can listen. You don’t even have to know what you’re listening for. The power of your silence is proof that you’re just here to be an accepting ear. Words aren't necessary. Being together is what we need.
The opposite of listening can take many forms. When I was in a period of great transition in my life, I listened to a song by Keane at least once a week. It's all about ambition and regret. It’s a bouncy song; you could dance to it if you were in the mood. A lively, zesty dance. Unless you listened to the lyrics. They’re very sad. They’re about someone who listens to the wrong things. All those toxic messages that can lead us astray. This song made me cry every time I heard it. But I kept listening.
Click on the barn to hear "Better Than This"
And what about listening to ourselves? CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, is all about listening to the untrue messages we repeat in our heads and challenging them. We practiced a little of this tonight. One cognitive distortion we challenged was "disqualifying the positive." (You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or another. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.)
One member asked how we can possibly challenge all the negative messages we've heard all our lives. The answer is simple but it's not easy to hear: We do it one message at a time. Whenever we catch ourselves thinking that the little bit of goodness right now in our lives isn't enough, we need to stop. We need to replace that thought with, “This is a good thing that’s happening right now. I choose to appreciate it and build on it.”
Josef Goebbels criticized Great Britain in now-famous 1941 article. He wrote that the “English follow the principle that when one lies, one should lie big, and stick to it. They keep up their lies, even at the risk of looking ridiculous.” Now, Goebbels is considered one of the great demons of the 20th Century, but we need to listen to truth no matter where it comes from. He was right about our big lies. And when I say “our,” I mean all of us modern, angst-riddled thinkers who trusted the damaged big people who contaminated our ideas about ourselves out of ignorance and fear. We tell ourselves things that are ridiculous. Things we were taught to repeat, over and over. Things like, “Nothing good ever happens to me,” or “I can never do enough,” or “I have always been like this and I always will be.”
Here is a list of untrue thoughts you've been programmed to think. Try and get in the habit of catching yourself in these lies and countermanding them. You know the opposite is true, replace that old, worn-out, destructive habit with this new one. The healthy habit of listening to what’s true.
One member asked how we can possibly challenge all the negative messages we've heard all our lives. The answer is simple but it's not easy to hear: We do it one message at a time. Whenever we catch ourselves thinking that the little bit of goodness right now in our lives isn't enough, we need to stop. We need to replace that thought with, “This is a good thing that’s happening right now. I choose to appreciate it and build on it.”
Josef Goebbels criticized Great Britain in now-famous 1941 article. He wrote that the “English follow the principle that when one lies, one should lie big, and stick to it. They keep up their lies, even at the risk of looking ridiculous.” Now, Goebbels is considered one of the great demons of the 20th Century, but we need to listen to truth no matter where it comes from. He was right about our big lies. And when I say “our,” I mean all of us modern, angst-riddled thinkers who trusted the damaged big people who contaminated our ideas about ourselves out of ignorance and fear. We tell ourselves things that are ridiculous. Things we were taught to repeat, over and over. Things like, “Nothing good ever happens to me,” or “I can never do enough,” or “I have always been like this and I always will be.”
Here is a list of untrue thoughts you've been programmed to think. Try and get in the habit of catching yourself in these lies and countermanding them. You know the opposite is true, replace that old, worn-out, destructive habit with this new one. The healthy habit of listening to what’s true.
Maybe you won’t want to dance to that Keane song. But dancing is important. It’s important therapy. Am I making this up? Ask your primitive self if there’s some deep impulse in you that wants to dance, needs to dance, with abandon. If you believe in the collective unconscious—and unconsciously you do, of course—you have to acknowledge that dancing is encoded deep within us. It’s the reason we invented music—so we wouldn't look silly dancing. I personally do look silly while dancing, regardless of the music, but I dance anyway. It makes me feel better, somehow. Because I’m being who I am down deep when I dance? Maybe. Or maybe it’s something more physical. Maybe our bodies, as much as our souls, need that rhythmic movement. Maybe we need to feel in control of the ebbs and flows once in awhile. Or maybe we need to let go of the controls for a bit. Whatever the reason, we should all do some dancing now and again. And hey, it’s something you can do while practicing listening!
Here’s a fun little song by Gotye. It's about a strange family who gets a box from Amazon that changes everything for them:
Here’s a fun little song by Gotye. It's about a strange family who gets a box from Amazon that changes everything for them:
Click and Dance
This song could be a warning about the future. It could be a commentary about the extraordinary lengths groups of people might have to go to in order to unplug the individual devices and come together and share experiences. It could be a message to our modern society, and all of us individuals, that we’re in this together. Or it could be just an excuse to move. And to listen.
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