Our theme tonight was Ambivalence. One of our members has an important decision to make. As is often the case, our theme actually applied to more than one of us—and has applied many times to all of us.
Another member suggested asking an important question in ambivalent times: "What's the worst case scenario if I make this rather than that decision?" If the worst case is that I prevent myself from living while I'm trying to decide between two difficult options, and stay in limbo indefinitely, then that might eventually become unacceptable. But then we're faced with another vexing problem: "How do I know when I've waited too long?"
It was suggested that if we wait long enough, it will be obvious: "Yes, that was definitely too long. I've been stuck between Scylla and Charybdis and haven't been living my life for [fill in your own time limit]. But now I can't get that lost living back. And if I'd decided sooner, I'd never know if I gave up too soon. How can I be sure?"
Of course, we can't be sure. We can only make a reasoned guess. Being sure is having an easy choice, not the kind we're dealing with here. Easy choices leave us feeling 95% good about the choosing. Hard choices can leave us feeling only 51% good. And that feels 49% bad.
Another member suggested asking an important question in ambivalent times: "What's the worst case scenario if I make this rather than that decision?" If the worst case is that I prevent myself from living while I'm trying to decide between two difficult options, and stay in limbo indefinitely, then that might eventually become unacceptable. But then we're faced with another vexing problem: "How do I know when I've waited too long?"
It was suggested that if we wait long enough, it will be obvious: "Yes, that was definitely too long. I've been stuck between Scylla and Charybdis and haven't been living my life for [fill in your own time limit]. But now I can't get that lost living back. And if I'd decided sooner, I'd never know if I gave up too soon. How can I be sure?"
Of course, we can't be sure. We can only make a reasoned guess. Being sure is having an easy choice, not the kind we're dealing with here. Easy choices leave us feeling 95% good about the choosing. Hard choices can leave us feeling only 51% good. And that feels 49% bad.
We did what we could do tonight. We held the ambivalence. We didn't judge it, we didn't minimize it, we passed it from person to person and examined what it means to each of us. In the end, we didn't know any more than when we started. But then again, we didn't know less.
And maybe it's not about knowing. Maybe it's about feeling. Or acting as if we were our wiser selves. Whatever it's about, it seems to come up a lot. The Lovin' Spoonful wrestled with this 51/49 conundrum 50 years ago! Were those simpler times? Maybe, but that famous song was, I think, disguised as a simple either/or proposition about love when it's really tackling the bigger issue: self-trust. And how do you learn to trust yourself when it comes to decisions requiring wisdom and intuition as well as rational judgment? Um, practice?
Here's another song in disguise by these merry minstrels from the mid-60's. It pretends to be about how music can sweep us away, and bond us together, but it might just be about the ethereal magic we create when we make the scary decision to love ourselves.
And maybe it's not about knowing. Maybe it's about feeling. Or acting as if we were our wiser selves. Whatever it's about, it seems to come up a lot. The Lovin' Spoonful wrestled with this 51/49 conundrum 50 years ago! Were those simpler times? Maybe, but that famous song was, I think, disguised as a simple either/or proposition about love when it's really tackling the bigger issue: self-trust. And how do you learn to trust yourself when it comes to decisions requiring wisdom and intuition as well as rational judgment? Um, practice?
Here's another song in disguise by these merry minstrels from the mid-60's. It pretends to be about how music can sweep us away, and bond us together, but it might just be about the ethereal magic we create when we make the scary decision to love ourselves.
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