One problem with coming up with a "good enough" score for yourself is that you might be unsure about how good you are at the whole keeping score thing. To check on how good enough you are at scoring your good enoughness, you could have someone else score you. I recommend looking at both of these scores and comparing them. Add up your "good enough" points, then find out from those whose opinions you value if you're doing or being enough, check their scores against yours, and then decide. You could also check with people whom you despise or want nothing to do with, or with people you're so enmeshed with that you don't know what to do about their judgments. If you are not speaking to the people you'd like to get scores from, you might be able to extrapolate your numbers by interpreting the things they've said to you or the things they've said to others about. If they don't say things about you out loud, you might be able to ascertain their evaluation of you some other way. Mind reading is maybe a real thing; I don't know.
Society at large might have some scores for you as well. Getting an accurate rating from them would seemingly be difficult. You're not in touch with all of them, right? And not even Facebook can get you that universal of an "other people" rating. (How many "Likes" would be good enough, I wonder?) Be that as it may, it might have to suffice to just use your best estimate based on how society seems to be treating you.
Take a moment to compile all the scores you've collected and now compare them. Ask yourself how closely the scores from the other measurers match your own. If you are working on anxiety or depression issues, you might find that there's a close correlation between the judgments of others (or the judgments you perceive from them) and your judgments of yourself—that is, if the scores are low. If the scores you give yourself and the scores from the others are not correlated, then we've got a problem. In the first case, when the "you" scores are low and the "other people" scores are high, you might either have low self-esteem or they might be poor judges of good enoughness. In the second case, when the "you" scores are high and the "other people" scores are low, you might have a teeny, weeny issue named after a delicate, little flower.
But I'm glad you're reading this. It gives us a chance to challenge, or at least question, the ways you look at yourself. I often ask clients to stare into a mirror for ten minutes or so and let me know what that's like. Most find it a not very fun exercise. Why not? Because they don't like what they see? Or because they don't like the way they're being looked at? After all, there are two of you in this exercise. The looker and the lookee. The looker is maybe making some judgments about what (or whom) he or she sees. The lookee might perceive he or she is being looked at unfavorably and being negatively judged and might feel pretty bad about this. Sometimes, the looker and the lookee might switch places suddenly. Now, the judgments and the hurt feelings will be on the other foot, as it were. No wonder people don't like looking at themselves to intently! What a harsh experience!
Some people I know are able to look compassionately and empathically at others buy not at themselves. This opens a door to resolving self-esteem deficits. They have the power to not judge, but simply choose to not point their acceptance inward. When I ask them why they seem to be unable to do this they usually tell me, "It's hard." And I usually tell them, "I know. Believe me, I know."
Here's another scoring device you can try. It's Larry Senn's Mood Elevator. This one doesn't involve judgments about how good of a person you are, or how good at being you you are, or your good enoughness. It's just a quick check-in with yourself regarding how you're feeling right now. It doesn't have buttons but you can ride up and down on it all you want.
We looked at this on Wednesday and we all picked a level that represented how we were feeling at the beginning of the meeting. Some had trouble picking just one, and that makes sense. I think this scale is deliberately not very linear. I think it's designed to help us feel the ups and downs from moment to moment, and maybe to understand the rising and falling of those around us, and of the state of what's between us, that energy we call relationship.
It's not easy, even for the most centered individuals among us, to believe we are good enough when we think others don't agree. One of the greatest therapeutic minds of all time, Irvin Yalom, was haunted by his fear that his long-deceased mother had never appreciated him as a person. When she came to him in a dream he was compelled to ask, "Momma, how'd I do?" The existential processing that came after this frightening question resulted in a book: Momma and the Meaning of Life: Tales of Psychotherapy. The walls we perceive between us and the others in our lives, or even between us and us, make it hard to come to an understanding about how we're doing really. And that's something we can continue to wrestle with in group. Self-esteem and mood are inextricably linked. People who feel good feel good about a lot of things, including themselves. People who feel bad tend to focus on shame, blame, resentment, and other negative judgments rather than on acceptance of the good enoughness around them and in them.
I meant to ask everyone where they were on the Mood Elevator at the end of our get-together. I thought it might be interesting to compare before and after feelings snapshots. But I forgot. I was disappointed when I realized after everyone had left that I'd left the one thing I'd wanted to do undone. But I decided to not beat myself up about it. After all, there's always next week. It's not ideal, but it's good enough.